


is it chill that you're in my head?

by CycloneRachel



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: (for now) - Freeform, Canon Compliant, Gen, Heavy Angst, Introspection, Mind Palace, Post-Season/Series 05 Finale, Season/Series 05 Spoilers, brief cameo from Streaky
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-11
Updated: 2020-06-11
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:28:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24653863
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CycloneRachel/pseuds/CycloneRachel
Summary: Querl is meant to be dead. He sacrificed himself, to defeat Leviathan.But here he is, on the Legion cruiser, with more questions than answers.
Relationships: Kara Danvers & Querl Dox
Comments: 8
Kudos: 20





	is it chill that you're in my head?

**Author's Note:**

> hello friends!
> 
> so I was originally going to post this last week, or earlier this week... but then my computer restarted, and I lost like half of what I had for it. Fortunately, I got another idea as I was writing it, and I hope you like how this turned out even if it was different from the original version. (hey. that sounds familiar... anyway.)  
> Also this may or may not be a one-shot? I don't want to over-promise. But I hope I can make this into an ongoing thing.  
> And shout-out to my friend Julianne for making the gifset that inspired the title of this fic, you're the real MVP and I appreciate you so much

Querl wakes up on the Legion cruiser.

It should be comforting to him- this is the closest place to home that he’s seen in such a long time, and indeed before the Crisis event he had been using it as a home, sleeping there when the walls of the DEO felt too constraining, when his heart ached too much while making scenarios of what his friends might have been going through in the future.

Of course, staying on the Legion ship made him homesick, too- a different kind of ache, picturing his friends there as he walked through. It felt wrong, not having them there, not hearing the ship full of activity and noise.

But more often than not, it was silent, and such was the case here too, now.

Usually, when such a state was a reprieve, he was grateful for the silence. He even preferred it, when he was trying to work, as the experience of being crowded in on made him feel even more inhibited than usual.

The dim light, the cold, the lack of shadows, the overwhelming sensation of smallness, however… all contrasting with the ship he knew, only reminded him that he had left his own world by himself, and remained alone here.

Wherever here was, outside of what it resembled- he had the sense that he should know, and wants to, but perhaps he can’t, or isn’t letting himself accept the reality of his situation.

If he were being asked the odds, as the possibilities whirred through his mind, he would give the greatest probability to one place, in particular.

(Or perhaps he wouldn’t- did he really know what it would look like, since he had gone without it for so long? Was he sure that this wasn’t the Big Brain, and he wouldn’t, perhaps, find other Coluans if he left the ship? Were there other versions of himself on this very vessel?)

(Would they be happy, that he’d done such a thing, defeating Leviathan through shrinking them and reclaiming the process that had been used by his- their- ancestors for evil purposes? Would they be proud of him, since his resolve had never wavered? He had never once gone against Lex, except at the end. He had doubted, but had hid that from him as much as he could. He had prevented Lex from killing Supergirl, at least for a while. He had protected the others, stopped Leviathan from killing them.)

(As much as the other versions of himself had told him his ultimate allegiance must remain with Lex, in those words and in others, he never wanted any of them to die. He would never allow for Supergirl to die- he hadn’t when she had been on Fort Rozz and at risk of burning in a blue star, and he wasn’t going to when she was at risk of dying by Lex’s hand.

And so, until the very end, he thought he was keeping her safe. But even that, Lex had to take away from him, just as he had everything else.)

He hadn’t wanted to die. There were times in his life, before, when he did- the multiple instances of torture came to mind, inflicted on him by several people who intended his death.

But he survived them. He had gotten through all of it for this long, and had even chosen to escape death, delaying the inevitable at the hands of his ancestor, by coming to the twenty-first century in the first place.

On the Leviathan ship though, and even before it, he had accepted that he was going to sacrifice himself. There was no nobler end, and perhaps after he passed his friends would even forgive him. It was a peaceful end, Lex aside, and though the loneliness was visceral, he wasn’t in pain anymore.

(Was this how the other versions of himself felt, when they gave their life-projectors to him and relinquished their physical forms to live on in another Earth’s version of the collective consciousness they were familiar with? Were they at peace too, knowing that they would see their loved ones again, that even their survival in that form was miraculous?)

(He wanted to think that he knew them, just like he knew himself. But he couldn’t, and he didn’t know himself as much as he wanted to even with all these months of being uninhibited. So all he could do was wander, and theorize.)

Kara would be safe. She would protect herself, and would prevail against Lex, just as she always did.

If he believed in anyone, he believed in her, and when she won, his death wouldn’t be as senseless as Lex wanted him to think it was.

But all of that was reliant on the possibility that he was dead at all, which was still only possibility at the point during which he lost consciousness and woke up here, and not confirmed fact yet.

(It annoyed him that he could not know that for sure, be an observer outside of his own body and see that he was dead for himself… but then again, such was the nature of things.)

At that time, though, there came an interruption. A small series of movements, just the barest hint of a noise that he could pick up on, although as whatever it was got closer, the noise got a little louder.

Until he saw it.

There, before him, was a small creature- a black cat, that he’d never seen in real life, but was nevertheless a part of his memories.

_“You had a… pet?”_

_“Yeah. But if this is my subconscious trying to tell myself something, I don't get it.”_

_“Could be a random neuron firing. What's its name?”_

_“Streaky. I, uh... I found him on our street right after I came to Earth, actually. He was a stray, too.”_

_“You felt an emotional kinship.”_

_“Yes. Yeah. We were friends… I used to go out every night and feed him. I didn't wanna touch him. I was so strong; I could have hurt him. So, I practiced being gentle. And then, one day, I pet him, and he purred, and everything was okay. I felt like an alien on Earth for so long, and he helped me feel like a human.”_

Querl stood there for a moment, looking at the manifestation of Streaky.

He wasn’t quite sure why the cat was there- though he had gotten to the point where he considered himself a stray many times since arriving in the twenty-first century nearly two years prior, and certainly did since separating himself from the Super-friends to work with Lex, that wasn’t a conscious thought, and in his particular simulacrum, it seemed irrelevant.

Did he need help trying to feel like a human? That, again- the concept of being human, understanding and being a part of humanity, wasn’t quite relevant. He had spent so long being cut off from who he truly was, unable to access his whole self. It was like the myth of humans only being able to use ten percent of their brains, though it was a greater percentage for him, and far more complex for any Coluans, whether they were forced to wear inhibitors or not. He knew exactly who and what he was, and since the Children of Liberty had been taken down- especially since his inhibitors had been broken and then taken off completely- he was comfortable with himself.

(As much as his actions during the past five months also felt like self-betrayal)

But if not that… why was Streaky here? What was it telling him?

The cat circled him slowly, then began to leave through a door on the opposite side of the room, and Querl followed it down the proverbial rabbit hole- even though again that phrase was inaccurate, as he knew exactly where he was.

What he would find, though, was still in question, and Querl found that even he didn’t know the answer yet.

~

He followed the cat to the room where the healing tanks were- a room that only reminded him of failures, the people who’d got hurt because he wasn’t careful enough, because he miscalculated or any number of other reasons.

The tanks were empty, but there was still someone present in the room, other than him and Streaky.

And once he heard her voice, he reflected that he should have known all along what was happening.

“Hey! It’s you.” Kara said. “I knew Streaky would lead you here.”

“You sent him for me.” Querl answered. “I’m…”

“In your mind palace, yeah.” Kara said, making a face as she too remembered the association with what had gone on in another such place, what felt like ages ago. “Or should I say, mind-prison.”


End file.
